you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
