I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
