Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
