Someone shit on the floor
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
