I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
