I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
