he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
