this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
