I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
