I cut my penus on the lid.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
