I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
