she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
