glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Randomize
