just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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