Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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