Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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