So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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