I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
