my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
