just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
