is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
