He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
