So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
