Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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