This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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