why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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