I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
