There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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