my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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