There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
