you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
