You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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