I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
