he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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