I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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