It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
