Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
