Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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