You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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