my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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