We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
