you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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