my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
