Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
