I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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