I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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