the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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