u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
