I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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