I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
