Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ugly people sure do ruin things
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
