My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
